Reduce Holiday Stress by Setting Boundaries

Set Boundaries to Cut Down on Stress this Season

Stress Express; Family FightingThere’s no question that the holidays can bring out the best and the worst in people, particularly families.  There’s so much pressure to decorate, get the right gifts, prepare for visitors, cook and clean and handle excited children, all on top of work.

So how do you reduce holiday stress?  Set boundaries and say no more often.

• if you’re hosting an event at your home, ask those coming to bring a dish or a beverage.  Be specific and clear about what you want.  Don’t try to do it all.

Limit sugar intake yourself and for your children.  Sugar just adds another layer of craziness to the stress.

Say no when asked to attend an extra event or make a batch of cookies.  Take care of yourself first.

Ask for help– from your partner, your children, etc.  Ask them to help decorate, clean up, do the laundry, etc. at this busy time of year.

Avoid familial conflict.  If two family members always fight during festivities, speak to them in advance and ask them to avoid each other or be kind.  Tell them if they can’t, then they are not welcome in your home.  If they start trouble, they will be asked to leave.  Make it clear your home is a “no fighting” zone.

The holidays can be joyful and meaningful times to celebrate faith, love and hope.  Take care of yourself and reduce your holiday stress by setting boundaries that support you and your peace of mind.

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How to Truly Give Thanks at Home this Week

Giving Thanks: Thursday is More than Just a Day for Food and Football

Two friends giving thanks for each otherIn the United States, it’s Thanksgiving this week.  As we prepare delicious food, plan on parades and games, take the time to  give thanks  and acknowledge others in special ways, especially at home.

Do things for others without being asked. Go the extra mile to help clean, wash laundry, buy groceries. And get them something you know they will love.

If you’re skillful with tools, ask if you may fix things around the house of the one you’re visiting. Ask what needs to be done.

Listen to an older family member.  Ask questions and give them your full attention.  They don’t have it very often. Give thanks for their wisdom and knowledge.

Use touch to convey your thanks and love. Giving a shoulder rub can ease tension instantly. Hugging your mother will melt her heart.  Patting a child on the back and letting them know they did a good job elicits a smile.

Cook with love.  Make foods that you know people dear to you appreciate and crave.

Do something unexpected but highly appreciated. Perhaps bring a new game for the kids or take everyone outside on a nature walk.  Share photos of recent work you have done.  Interview family for a future archived family video.

Don’t take others for granted. If your family is small enough, write a hand-written card for each one letting them know what you specifically appreciate about them.

Turn off your devices and be present with others.

Enjoy your holidays by expressing gratitude from your heart.

 

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How’s Your EQ?

The Key to More Effective Relationships at Home and Work

Listening handshakeOracle Vice President Meg Bear says empathy is the critical 21st century skill. In an article in Fortune Magazine, business experts cite emotional intelligence as one of the most needed business skillsets for the coming decades.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

It’s the ability to be aware of and manage the emotions of yourself and others, and constructively communicate as a good team member.

Those will poor self-awareness tend to be brusque, rude, narcissistic, critical and rigid . Those with poor self-management react strongly, yell, interrupt and disrespect others. Those with poor self-motivation procrastinate, blame others.

 Increase Your Emotional Intelligence

• Become an excellent listener. Don’t interrupt, have open body language and
don’t check your cellphone while listening.  Give full eye contact and attention. Summarize what they said and ask questions.

• Develop greater empathy.  Show caring, even if you haven’t have the same experience.  You can say things like “That sounds hard for you.” “I understand this is difficult.”

• Get to know yourself more.  There are great books out like Strengths-Finder
and plenty of free personality tests on line.  Discover your strengths and areas for improvement.  Often work conflicts are the result of personality differences.

Workplace problems• Pay attention to the body language of others.  What is not being verbally said?

• Be a source of positive encouragement to others. Find the good.

Those are just a quick start on how to improve.  Put them into practice and watch your life get better.

 

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Give the Gift of Your Presence

Me and Cinderella
Me and Cinderella

Be Here Now

In the US, we celebrated Mother’s Day yesterday.  My own mother died when I was 21, after a long terminal illness.  I still miss her delectible meals, artistic talent and haunting beauty.  While she ill, I was cared for by an incredible woman named Cinderella. I was so blessed to have her in my life. She gave me my love, my hugs, my values and my unconditional support.  Sadly, she died a few years ago of Alzheimers. I am so grateful I got to see her before she died, and she knew who I was.  Those moments meant everything.

We’re in the season of so many celebrations, weddings, graduations, birthdays.
Be sure you give a meaningful gift, one of your physical presence.  Without distractions, your presence can meet more to someone than any store-bought gift.

How to Make Your Visit More Memorable

• Turn off your cell phone, beeper, and any electronics when you are with your loved one. No TV’s either.

• Make eye contact most all the time you are there.  Lean in and let the person know you are truly listening.  Feed back what they have said and ask them questions about it.

• Spend some meaningful time.  10 minutes is not enough.  You know what is.

• Do things for this person that they can’t do themselves.  Help them out with grace and dignity.

After this kind of visit, both of you will feel the love.

 

 

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Dignity and Respect- For Yourself and Others

Helping Others Needs to Be a Two Way Street

Most of us have been raised thinking it’s appropriate to be generous, kind, loving and helpful to others.  In in today’s world with so much suffering, we are increasingly asked to reach out and help. And if we can and are willing to do so, without strings attached, we should. Sharing the wealth of heart and wallet is a good thing.

But the key here is to do so while allowing the other person to have dignity.  Every human being has a sense of pride and self-worth, and truly no one wants to beg for assistance if they can help it.  When giving aid in any form, whether it’s advice, money, clothing or food, be sure to allow the recipient to have dignity.

Kevin Hall, in his wonderful book Aspire, explains it eloquently when he tells the story of Pravin and “genshai.”  Genshai means never treating another person in a way that would make them feel small.  So if you are giving money to a beggar, you don’t toss a coin to them, you get down to their level, look them in the eye and smile. Then you give them the money and say “bless you.” You are treating them with respect.

An interesting twist on this is to practice genshai with yourself.  Never treat yourself in a way that would make you feel small.  And most of us do this regularly. We criticize ourselves mercilessly, judging our actions and finding fault.  All that does is lower our self-esteem and create guilt and resentment patterns against ourselves.  If you feel you did something in a less than perfect way, forgive yourself and move on.  Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others.

___________________

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How Leaders Fail

“Leadership is lifting a person’s vision to higher sights, the raising of a person’s performance to a higher standard, the building of a personality beyond its normal limitations.” Peter F. Drucker

The Biggest Mistakes Leaders Make

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-photography-hard-day-image22576797Breaking agreements and not keeping promises
Other people assume a promise from a leader will be kept. And when you fail to follow-through on any level, it breaks trust. It creates dis-ease and mistrust on all levels and calls into question your credibility. Don’t make commitments you can’t keep. Renegotiate them, delegate them, but do not break promises.

• Emotional outbursts. I had a boss who screamed at everyone, for no reason. I’ve seen other leaders do this, and all it does is alienate others around you. DO NOT VENT on your staff. They deserve better. Go to therapy, work out, get the anger out before you come to work.

• Lack of empathy: Not understanding how your people feel after a work crisis, not giving them comp time when they have worked overtime for many days, not being compassionate when your people have a family emergency. You must demonstrate compassion. Your staff are first and foremost people; treat them with respect and caring.

• Not Giving Appreciation or Praise
70% of American workers are actively disengaged. 88% of American workers NEVER receive thanks for the work they have done!  There’s a correlation. Praise people specifically in writing for a job well done. Say thank you publicly to others for their work. Express your thanks often.

• Not Being Transparent
More than ever, leaders need to tell the truth and address fear and rumors. Even if you can’t tell the whole story, acknowledge that yes, change is happening, and you are doing everything in your power to resolve issues quickly. Update your people often. Acknowledge their worries and be honest in responses. Maintain an optimistic approach and keep them updated every step of the way.

 

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Are You Getting Enough Hugs to be Healthy?

You Need More Than You Think!

 

Me and Cinderella
Me and Cinderella- the woman who gave me my hugs growing up!

According to noted American pyschologist and educator, Virginia Satir, we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth.

Most people are lucky if they get 1 or 2 hugs a day.

So up your intake and give hugs freely.  Recently, I was visiting one of the non-profits I volunteer for and talking to a little boy, stroking his back. He just leaned in for a hug, which I was more than happy to give.  We all need touch, and in this day and age, hugging can heal so much.  Take the time to give full-on, heart-felt hugs to others as a way of sharing.  The rewards for everyone are so worth it.

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Asking For Help is Smart

Don’t Deny Others the Chance to Assist

Holding the hand of anotherRecently, I heard from a  friend in the hospital who is critically ill.  She had been there for 5 days and was calling to let me know.  I was so grateful to know what was going on, to be able to pray for her and check on her.  I only wish she had let me know sooner. Another dear friend recently learned he has cancer, but reached out to me weeks after the diagnosis.  Those are weeks I could have been there for him, helping him sort through solutions, fear and pain.

Most of us have a tendency to put others first, and to not ask for help. And that’s a mistake.  Martyring ourselves by saying we don’t want to bother others or trouble them denies us the gifts of love and support.  We also deserve help, especially in difficult times.

Some people prefer to go off and isolate themselves while they figure things out,
and I respect that.  However, isolation can lead to depression and negative thinking, at a time when loved ones could provide compassion and understanding. Scientists have shown that reaching out to other people during a stressful event is an effective way to improve your outlook.  So your perspective could improve dramatically.

You never know- you might get some great solutions to problems you are having, connecting you with valuable resources you never knew existed.  Share your life, share with your loved ones, and allow yourself to be supported. You are worthy of it.

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How to Prevent Last Minute Unpleasant Surprises

Proactive Strategy and Collaboration Make a Huge Difference

Clock from Stress ExpressDo you ever feel you are at the mercy of others when it comes to meeting your deadlines? Are you frequently caught short in terms of time or resources because one of your clients waited until the last minute to ask for your help? Does one of your vendors let you down on the same service over and over again?

In each of these circumstances, it would be ideal if your employees, clients or vendors changed. But in reality, that’s not very likely to happen.

What You Can Do to Be Proactive

A far better approach is to be proactive. Ask your customers and clients what their plans are for the next 12 months. Ask them what projects they might need your support with and when the deadlines are for those projects.

Then mark your calendar and check back in with them regularly to see if they are on schedule. Be proactive and notify vendors that they will have work coming to them at a certain time and have them block out time in their schedule for you.  This way, you work on your terms at your pace and you are not caught by surprise nearly as often. Clients and vendors usually appreciate the advance planning and everything goes more smoothly.

 

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The Why Do It List- TIme Management Tool

Exhausted woman on files
THis woman needs a nap!

What are your true priorities?

Most of us are overwhelmed at work every day with “To Do” lists that never end.  Mike Vardy, author and blogger, says to approach your list differently.
 
He says make a list of the top things you need to do this week, including workfamily, personal, etc. with the answers to the question Why do it” after each. Knowing the WHY instantly clarifies what has greatest value in your life. Then schedule your week. 
 
All too often, we let the real priorities in our lives, people, loved ones, exercise, fun, slide under the overwhelm of work.  And then we end up unhappy and unhealthy and resentful.  Once you know why you want to do something, you can prioritize what is most important and be sure your to do list is meaningful for you.

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©2013 Snowden McFall All Rights Reserved. No duplication or reprinting without permission and author reference