Reduce Holiday Stress by Setting Boundaries

Set Boundaries to Cut Down on Stress this Season

Stress Express; Family Fighting There’s no question that the holidays can bring out the best and the worst in people, particularly families. There’s so much pressure to decorate, get the right gifts, prepare for visitors, cook and clean and handle excited children, all on top of work.

So how do you reduce holiday stress? Set boundaries and say no more often.

• if you’re hosting an event at your home, ask those coming to bring a dish or a beverage. Be specific and clear about what you want. Don’t try to do it all.

• Limit sugar intake yourself and for your children. Sugar just adds another layer of craziness to the stress.

• Say no when asked to attend an extra event or make a batch of cookies. Take care of yourself first.

• Ask for help– from your partner, your children, etc. Ask them to help decorate, clean up, do the laundry, etc. at this busy time of year.

• Avoid familial conflict. If two family members always fight during festivities, speak to them in advance and ask them to avoid each other or be kind. Tell them if they can’t, then they are not welcome in your home. If they start trouble, they will be asked to leave. Make it clear your home is a “no fighting” zone.

The holidays can be joyful and meaningful times to celebrate faith, love and hope. Take care of yourself and reduce your holiday stress by setting boundaries that support you and your peace of mind.

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How to Truly Give Thanks at Home this Week

Giving Thanks: Thursday is More than Just a Day for Food and Football

Two friends giving thanks for each other In the United States, it’s Thanksgiving this week. As we prepare delicious food, plan on parades and games, take the time to give thanks and acknowledge others in special ways, especially at home.

• Do things for others without being asked. Go the extra mile to help clean, wash laundry, buy groceries. And get them something you know they will love.

• If you’re skillful with tools, ask if you may fix things around the house of the one you’re visiting. Ask what needs to be done.

• Listen to an older family member. Ask questions and give them your full attention. They don’t have it very often. Give thanks for their wisdom and knowledge.

• Use touch to convey your thanks and love. Giving a shoulder rub can ease tension instantly. Hugging your mother will melt her heart. Patting a child on the back and letting them know they did a good job elicits a smile.

• Cook with love. Make foods that you know people dear to you appreciate and crave.

• Do something unexpected but highly appreciated. Perhaps bring a new game for the kids or take everyone outside on a nature walk. Share photos of recent work you have done. Interview family for a future archived family video.

• Don’t take others for granted. If your family is small enough, write a hand-written card for each one letting them know what you specifically appreciate about them.

• Turn off your devices and be present with others.

Enjoy your holidays by expressing gratitude from your heart.

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Is Lack of Boundaries Stressing You Out?

You Must Set Limits on Your Time and Energy

Mary’s mother demanded enormous amounts of her time, even though she was perfectly healthy. Instead of declining all the requested visits, Mary spent way too much time with her mother, ignoring her job, husband and health. She ended up sick and could not work. She desperately needed boundaries.

I often see very bright, accomplished professionals who are completely overwhelmed by the demands on their lives- especially women. With high pressure jobs, families, friends, volunteer work and aging parents, most of these folks are so stressed they are close to their breaking point. How can this be fixed? By setting healthy boundaries.

How to Set Boundaries:

• Start valuing your own time. Before you commit to anything, personal or professional, ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I want to do this?
2. Am I capable of doing this?
3. Is it the highest and best use of my time?
4. What do I have to give up to do this?
5. What happens if I don’t say yes?
6. Will this stress me out further?

• Learn to say NO. When yet another volunteer opportunity comes your way, say “I appreciate your thinking of me., I only want to give you my best effort, and right now, I can’t. May I recommend…. for this?”

• Value Your Own Need for Downtime You cannot be effective at your job, at home, as a parent, partner or friend if you are burnt-out. Play time, quiet time, nap time, meditation time- all of these give your brain critically needed detoxification. Furthermore, you are more likely to come up with new creative solutions when you step away from the work and relax.

Set boundaries and don’t allow others to take advantage of you- you will be much happier and less stressed

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Your Worst Enemy Could Be You!

“Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they’re yours.”
Richard Bach

75-85% of those most of our daily thoughts are negative. We judge ourselves severely, we think we should do it better, we compare ourselves to others and find fault with ourselves. Oprah said, “Comparison is violence against oneself.” Powerful!
In her book, Your Body Believes Every Word You Say, Barbara Levine shows that a simple statement like “so and so is a pain in the neck” can create shoulder and neck pain quickly. Pay attention to your self-talk and make it positive.

How to Handle Negative Self-Talk

• Awareness is key Ask this question and write down all the answers that show up: “I can’t be totally successful right now because…” Don’t censor yourself. Write down everything that shows up, no matter how silly. Now go back and examine each one of those reasons. Most of them have no basis in reality. None of your reasons are good enough to stop you. Now
draw an X through them right now. Say to yourself “These are not true.”
And when you find yourself thinking them, say “STOP” and put in a positive statement in place instead. You can retrain your brain. Do it.

• Make a strengths inventory. Several great books help you discover your strengths, including Strengths Finder. (And several free surveys on the Internet.) Find out what your unique talents and gifts are and work on developing those. Gallup’s research on millions of professionals shows that those people who develop their strengths and not their weaknesses become the most successful.

• Feed your mind with positive nutrition. Read uplifting books, magazines like Success Magazine, listen to audios, watch inspiring videos on youtube. Ignore the negativity out there; good things happen every day. Change the channel when something disturbs you. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

You are far more powerful, talented and wise than you think you are.

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Leaders and Sacrifice

“Leadership is about inspiration-of oneself and of others. Great leadership is about human experiences, not processes. Leadership…is a human activity that comes from the heart and considers the hearts of others.”-
Lance Secretan

In his new book Leaders Eat Last, Simon Sinek says leaders must sacrifice for their people. They must be willing to put the needs of others before their own needs. It’s a choice: to look after the person on either side of us.

What Leaders Must Sacrifice:

• Micromanaging
Hire good people, trust your people, and check progress when appropriate. Having authority over their work is a key indicator for employee happiness. Give it to them and praise them when they’ve done well. Demonstrate your confidence in them.

• Self-Interest and Ego

Get in the trenches and work with your people at all levels. I read a story about a CEO who had succcessfully grown the business, and while it was doing well, sales had plateaued. He was advised to go down on the factory floor every week and spend time with his people, getting to know them. In six months, his profits took off because his people knew that he cared. They delivered better, faster service and higher quality. People respond when you know you care about them.

• Saving Face at the Expense of Your People
If you don’t back your people up when they are in crisis or conflict with vendors, clients, etc., then you send a very clear message of fear and mistrust. When you say you will support your people in difficult times and then fail to, your employees feel betrayed and abandoned. They will resent you and become cynical and fearful. None of that leads to high performance.

• Looking Good to Stockholders
At Next Jump in NY, CEO Charlie Kim spends significant money developing people- on training programs and mentoring- much to the chagrin of his investors. However, the results proved themselves and delighted stockholders. Many firms in this industry have double digit turnover rates, which can cost millions to replace. (Industry averages 150% of a person’s salary to replace them.) Because of the investment Charlie makes in his people, turnover is low single digit, and the quality of innovation, problem-solving capability, loyalty and engagement at the company have soared.

Keep expanding your capability as a leader! You will inspire others.

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Heroes Among Us…

There are Good People Everywhere

You may have read about her or seen her on Ellen®. The story of the the young waitress in Concord, NH who paid the bill for two furloughed women from the National Guard. That meant she made only $8 in tips that day, which did not cover the struggling single mother’s gas.

The soldiers posted the kind note Sarah had written them on Facebook® and Sarah ended up on Ellen, where she received an amazing surprise. Ellen gave her a $10,000 reward for her kindness.

Or maybe you read about Adam Warwick, a biologist with the Wildlife Commission, who saved the life of a black bear in Florida, who had been shot with a tranquilizer and almost drowned in the water. Adam fearlessly jumped in and saved the bear, without regard to his personal safety.

There are stories like this everyday, but you probably don’t hear them much because the news focuses on the bad and sensationalist stories. There are real heroes among us. If you don’t think so, check out this video on youtube about 5 heroic kids. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QrT5Iizviw

Acts of kindness give your life meaning and bring incredible joy to your life. Focus on the good you are doing, others are doing and celebrate that.

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Your Life is a Choice

Choose Wisely

Not long ago, we celebrated my father-in- law’s 80th birthday in Boston. A successful businessman who’s mostly retired, he’s a vital, vibrant man who has chosen to live life on his terms. He plays tennis several times a week, square dances regularly and participates fully in the lives of his children and grandchildren. He has a keen mind, a loving heart, a positive attitude and is an inspiration to me and so many others.

In contrast, I recently met a woman who has chosen to be miserable. She focuses on the negative, consistently. As we discussed families and I shared that my father had passed away a few years ago, she declared vehemently that whatever I had gone through, her experience was 10 times worse. I wasn’t aware that is was a competition. How sad. My heart went out to her, because she was so attached to her drama and negativity.

We can all get caught up in our drama and problems. But is that truly where you want to put your focus? What you focus on, you create more of. I would rather create more joy, success, love and peace. How about you?

“To win or lose,
To love or hate,
To try or quit,
To risk or withdraw,
To accelerate or hesitate,
To dream or stagnate,
To open or close,
To succeed or fail,
To live or die.
Everyone of these starts with a CHOICE.”
Snowden McFall

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Having a Pet Could Save Your Life

Pets Heal on So Many Levels

“Cathy, Eric and their son Michael Keesling had retired early after handling a flooded basement and setting up a gasoline pump to empty it. Their beloved mellow cat, Winnie, sat in the window enjoying the sounds of the evening. All of sudden, Michael passed out in the hallway. Cathy and Eric soon lost consciousness as well, because of a gas leak. The normally gentle Winnie sprang on Cathy, pulled her hair and yowled in her ear to wake her up. Cathy kept blacking out, but Winnie insisted. Finally, Cathy called 911 and the family was rescued. If Winnie had waited 5 more minutes, they would all be dead!”

Pets are amazing healing agents and powerful lifesavers. Trained dogs today can detect bladder cancer by sniffing urine and fire dogs can identify arsonists by smelling gasoline on their hands. Service pets save the lives of their owners every day. They are also great stress relievers.

One study cited on WebMD found that 48 stockbrokers who adopted a pet had lower blood pressure readings under stress than non-pet owners. Another study found that those suffering from serious diseases, such AIDS or cancer, are far less likely to be depressed if they have a strong tie to a pet.

According to the the University of Minnesota’s Stroke Research Center, simply owning a cat can cut the risk of heart attack. After studying subjects for 10 years, those who owned a cat were 40% less likely to die from heart attacks.

Pet ownership:

• lowers blood pressure
• prevents depression
• reduces incidence of stroke
• helps improve physical activity
• helps people be more social
• reduces loneliness.

So if you are battling stress like 80% of Americans, consider adopting a pet at a shelter. It could save two lives- yours and theirs.

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Are You Stuck in a Rut instead of Fired Up?

Humans Need NEW to Keep Growing

In his book The Charge, Brendon Bouchard has some great suggestions about staying Fired Up! The brain is hardwired for novelty and challenge and needs to be engaged to keep thriving. Here are a few ways to incorporate new into your life and have a Fired Up! life, filled with motivation and fun:

• 90 day getaway – every 90 days go away and explore someplace you have not been, doing new activities. It does not have to be expensive- it just needs to be different.

• Restaurant tour; explore dining establishments you’ve never visited, try different kinds of food. Exploring new places will keep you motivated

• Spend time with new people – go to different networking or social events and broaden your circle.

• Develop new skills – At home, my husband and I just installed a new glass tile backsplash in our kitchen. It was challenging but fun, and we love the results.

To feel more Fired Up! about life, to keep growing and keep motivated, try doing new things.

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To all the single women- Happy Valentines

To all my single friends-

I remember very well from the days when I was single, what it felt like on Valentine’s Day. Here’s what I want you to know.
You are worthy and you are enough just by being who you are. You do not need a partner to be whole and complete. It is far better to be single than to be in a destructive relationship where you are devalued.

You are wonderful. You have unique talents and gifts and you make a difference in the world just by being you.